Running on Fumes & Faith: a year since my nervous breakdown

Running on Fumes and Faith

Chapter One

What my nervous breakdown and the story of the Dragons Gate have taught me…

(some of the thoughts feel a little fragmented still, but I have tried to weave it all together in a way that feels the most aligned for me. Sharing this feels like I am opening a vein and bleeding everywhere, and yet I know it is something that I have to do.)

Today marks one year since my nervous breakdown.

Compounded with pre-existing ME/CFS, long covid, multiple autoimmune conditions, a heart condition, and some other major health issues I am not ready to speak on… it has been a long arduous journey.

As I sit and reflect on the year that has been, and the months that lead up to my nervous breakdown, I can finally see all the gifts and lessons that came from this season in my life.

I remember the moment so vividly. It was a tiny moment, and on any other day, at any other time in my life, it would have been an insignificant moment… but that moment was the catalyst for what was coming.

I had spent the months prior dealing with crippling anxiety and panic attacks after having c*vid. An existential crisis within my life and work. And dealing with a deep grief I never expected to journey into.

I was at my limit, in every area of my life. And then everything just broke.

In a single moment, which came in the form of a voice message from a client, my entire nervous system collapsed. I spent 2 days in a paralysed, catatonic state, before finally being able to understand what had happened.

I was alone in my house. No one knew what had happened. And what I realised in that moment was, although there would be people who would weave in and out of my life, this was going to be a storm I had to battle alone.

I had had a nervous breakdown previously (what I now would call a very mini nervous breakdown), as well as complex health issues and multiple journeys with adrenal fatigue.

I was also a naturopath, with many years of treating this type of situation. But nothing had truly prepared me for what was to come.

Days spent in bed, unable to move. Crippled by fear, pain and fatigue.
Nights spent awake, in panic, unable to sleep.

My Nervous system completely shot. Anxiety that created a borderline journey with agoraphobia.
Moments spent in deep grief, unable to quiet the noise of my past.
And a constant pain that moved through my body in waves, that never seemed to dissipate.

Battling my desire to work, as it is so deeply ingrained in who I am, and my souls purpose. With the need for deep rest. Going from being addicted to work; something I had spent the past few years trying to heal; to barely able to do 2 hours in a day before I needed to rest. I had to learn to restructure my entire business model.

It has been challenging space to hold for myself, as my fight flight response tried to find a way to settle, every wound and trigger decided to come to the surface to be witnessed.

A nervous breakdown affects every other system within the body. My immune system, which was already struggling, was completely shattered (something that I am still trying to repair). My heart condition became worse, reminding me daily that we are not guaranteed our days. My endocrine system fell apart.

And I became a shell of the person I was.

I was truly running on fumes and faith.

And there were many times where my faith wavered. Moments where I tried to grasp onto faith, only to have it dissipate in my hands.

Overwhelmed by the weight of it all; it almost broke me.

As a highly sensitive person, with highly attuned intuitive gifts, everything was heightened. Where I would usually be able to feel someones energy, and get a read on them or the situation; this was amplified ten fold. I could feel how they felt towards me, in a way I never had before. This turned out to be a saving grace, as I quickly knew when someone was not speaking their truth, or what their intentions were. I could feel when someone was trying to manipulate me, or someone close to me.

Everything was heightened.

Which was a blessing and a curse.

I could barely be around anyone, even though I deeply craved connection.

In the moments of rest, when I couldn’t think due to crippling brain fog… I felt. Everything I had ever buried came to the surface for healing once and for all. The deepest levels of grief, that I didn’t know existed, held me captive in those moments.

I grieved the identity that no longer existed, but I was trying to cling to so tightly.

I grieved my inner Warrior, who was so deeply exhausted, battle weary and defeated, that I had no idea if I would ever find her again.

I grieved a loss, that is still palpable to this day. The person who was the very oxygen in my lungs. I grieved our journey, the dreams we held together, and the dreams that can no longer be as they are tied up with them.

I grieved my work. But also the person I had become due to my work addiction. I grieved the moments I had let my work consume; to the detriment of everything else in my life.

I grieved.

In private, I could let myself completely break under the sheer weight of it all.
Moments spent wondering if I would make it to tomorrow; as my heart clenched inside me.

There were moments during my work where I couldn’t handle the energetic load (if you do a lot of deep healing work for others you will understand), and I would break. Fearing what my clients would think, as they began to see the mask I had worn for so long beginning to crack, to shatter and fall completely.

What was this all for?

Surely there had to be a lesson in it all?

It was a journey of deep trial and error. Trying to find a solution to a problem that was complex and at times I didn’t understand. Made worse by a brain fog like I have never experienced (meaning that, even though I have so much knowledge in this field, I couldn’t for the life of me recall any of it.)

But as I sit here a year on, I am deeply grateful for the lessons this year has brought.
For a year, I became the polar opposite of the person I have always been. That in itself was a deep lesson and beautiful gift.
A year of deep healing. But I am stronger on the other side.
Sometimes the storm needs to be so intense, that nothing can withstand it; except your soul.

Then came the lesson of the Dragons Gate.

I had heard this story before. But it wasn’t until recently (like 3 weeks ago) that I finally understood the lesson of it.

The story of the Dragons Gate.

In ancient Japanese wisdom, they speak about the journey of the Koi Fish. As the Koi Fish swims upstream, against the current, they connect to a deep inner strength and perseverance, as they face a seemingly unwinnable journey, as they meet what is known as the Dragons Gate (a waterfall). For those Koi who continue to swim against the current, and weather the insurmountable challenge… they are transformed into a Dragon.

Many Koi will simply give up and journey back downstream, moving with the flow of the current. While those brave few continue to swim, proving themselves worthy of the transformation. They find their wings, become the dragon, and fly over the Dragons Gate.

It is a story of will, determination and perseverance against all odds. And who we become in those moments.

The past year has been my own inner Dragons Gate journey. Every inconceivable set-back came to challenge my resolve. But I knew it was all serving a purpose.

The other day, while channelling for Lions Gate, I was guided to record a light language activation for the Dragons Gate energy. The message as I channelled was about transforming from the Koi to the Dragon. And as I was channelling, I knew I was going through my own initiation, moving from the Koi to the Dragon within.

And after that moment, a tsunami of lessons came through, as to why this year had to be what it was.

During this time, I was also guided to move overseas. What started as a single thought, expanded into a journey I never thought I would be going on.

Even this brought it’s own lessons of surrender and faith, as I had to push the timeline back due to my health. I deepened my level of faith, knowing that it is all happening in perfect timing, even if it doesn’t make sense.

Committing to this move challenged my own sense of identity, my inner needs, and everything else in between. (I still haven’t made the move, but it is ever so close now).

There is more I will eventually share about this journey, and how it impacts us spiritually, how it supports our evolution, and everything in between, but for now, I want to share the main lessons that have come from this year:

You are stronger than you can ever possibly imagine.

Every storm eventually ends.

Your soul knows how to guide you, if you are willing to surrender to the whispers within.

There is a gift in every challenge, if we are willing to look.

We only have one life… LIVE IT.

We are not guaranteed our days. Do what makes you happy.

Now is the only time we have to go after our dreams. Don’t wait for things to be perfect, to be fully healed, to be in a better place. Your dreams are alive within you now, and they crave your attention.

Grief is one of the greatest teachers I have ever had.

Work can wait. Love, Life & Joy are more important.

Rest is not something to fear or be ashamed of. Rest is vital for our health, and our lifeforce to be able to create the life we desire.

Having a nervous breakdown is nothing to be ashamed of. It is however a massive wake up call to where you are living out of alignment.

Love is truly the only thing that matters in this life. We are here to love, to be the expression of love. Even if it makes no sense. Even if it challenges our human ego. Love is the very thing that keeps us moving forward.

You have the heart of the Dragon within you. You can choose to step into that energy at any time.

Your inner warrior is never defeated. She may sometimes need a rest. She may sometimes be so battle worn that there is no fight left within. But this moment is fleeting. You will rise again.

While we can receive support from others… no one is coming to save you. No one can do the work for you. But you have everything you need within to win this battle.

Don’t live your life for other people.

Don’t worry what others will think. Their judgement is theirs, not yours.

Listen to what your soul is craving. Not the mind.

Other peoples opinions, while they may be well meaning, are not your concern. (I had many people try and tell me what I should be doing… and yet I knew I had to stay strong in my convictions, and follow my souls knowing above all else)

It is ok to be vulnerable. Probably one of the hardest lessons for me to continue to learn.

Loving yourself completely is one of the hardest things you will ever do. And yet it is the greatest act of rebellion. If you love yourself completely, no one can control you.

You only have one body. Love it. Nourish it. Heal it. Forget about how much it weighs, and focus on how it feels.

Your life is yours. Live it the way you desire.

If you have made it this far, all I can say is wow. I am truly honoured that you have stayed with my words this long, as I try to make sense of it all.

If you are currently experiencing something similar – your own personal Dragons Gate, your own personal Evolutionary Shift, I am holding you in so much love.

If you ever need support on this journey, that is what I am here for. That is honestly why I do what I do.

If your nervous system is shattered, HERE is the practice I channeled and recorded for myself, to help heal my own nervous sytem.

If you are ready to embrace your inner Dragon, HERE is the activation that I channeled that sent me on my own personal activation (or it is part of our lions gate journey).

If you need support, you can find it here. Or join me for a deep 1:1 mentoring journey here

(plus the practice I am personally using to integrate all of the energy at the moment, especially after lions gate and my personal journey with the Dragons Gate and Dragon energy, is the Sekhmet healing session)

Sending you all so much love

Courtney